Kirkland McCauley bought his wife an elephant as a birthday gift. It was not a present she liked or understood, and it made a mess on her carpets. In fact it remained the elephant in the room, the unspoken horror that separated them for the last few days of their marriage.
Kirkland bought his present on the Internet. These days it’s easy to be imaginative. Simply scroll through ebay or Google ‘present’ and the choice is, if not unlimited, at least very, very wide. It ranges from adopting a wild animal to flying lessons, buying a plot of land on another planet to buying a glass cased piece of Wembley turf.
But being imaginative is not enough, as Mrs McCauley was quick to tell her husband of the moment. The miracle of having a cell phone meant he could access the net, and arrange such purchased as buying an elephant while down the pub. This did not compensate for the inconvenience. And anyway he always knew she never liked grey.
So choosing suitable christmas or birthday presents is an art form requiring a mixture of diplomacy, creativity, sensitivity, and inspiration.
Certainly the Internet can be a great help by opening up all sorts of possibilities. But it is not the full picture.
‘Something different’ is never enough. Being impractical is not enough, although it can help. After all, who likes a practical present - an ironing board, new saucepan or paint roller?
‘Frivolous’ often helps, as does ‘extravagance’ - or at least the appearance of either.
{Buying something because you have always wanted one yourself is certainly not the way to go}. What wife wants the almost complete set of Charlton Athletic football programmes, 1967 to 1983 - missing only the April 1971 Accrington Stanley game?
Selecting something ‘meaningful’ or that send a message is worse. A month at boot camp seldom does the trick.
‘So ‘appropriate’, possibly in a witty way, is the most important gift adjective - but appropriate to the receiver not the giver. The worst that can happen is that the gift says more about the giver and their interests than the receiver. The most that can be acheived is that the giver receives in return more appreciation of his or her thoughtfulness and sensitivity.
Meanwhile Kirkland went back to his job at the zoo a wiser man, and Mrs McCauley was remarried to a big game hunter who always brought her gift sets - and jewellery, and chocolates and only the occasional subscription to Rifles and Telescopic Sights magazine.
